Phhhhreaked for the Desert

In case you’ve been wondering where your Phreaked bitch has been, I migrated to the Southwest for some education on desert survival and polygamy revival.

Leaving Salt Lake City behind, I’ll be traveling a few hours southwest to Zion National Park. We’ll be roughing it in just a sleeping bag under the stars and I can’t wait!

At the same time, I’m a little nervous to be so isolated from other people and society. I’m a city girl at heart now and wide open spaces creep me out a bit. I just don’t want any The Hills Have Eyes shit goin’ down.

Ugly people just freak me out, whether they’re radioactive hillbilly mutants or redneck Mormons dressed in homemade fashions.

That dress is from the pre-Jurassic period, is it not? (btw, Mormons don’t believe in dinosaurs).

1st Date Mental Prep

1- When You Mix Scents You Smell like a Hooker…

(Getting Cute)

First off– get everything off. Shave everywhere.

What to do with what hair you have left: Massage your scalp with your finger tips during shampooing to help give your hair that extra lift at the root. Models actually shampoo and condition their hair in cold water because it is less damaging. My hair is so much silkier and easier to manage when I do this.

You could pull a Bridget Jones and not shave or wear cute underwear as a way of de-whoring yourself. Yet when you’re hard-up, you’re hard-up and your pure intentions will just be seen as grooming laziness when the pants come off. He Will Remember…

In terms of your face…I mean, I hope he looks at that more than your cootchie tonight, but think simple. Don’t let eye and lip color compete and when in doubt with hair; go straight!

2- Masturbation is a Great Stress Reliever

So you’re pinned, zipped, waxed, powdered, tweezed, moisturized, buffed and of course, stretched, but still not feeling ready in any sort of way because you’ve hyped yourself up by being over critical of your body hair, zits, fly-aways, nail beds, bony elbows, short eyelashes, funky toes, k-ankles…. Well, you get the idea. Time to relax and remember that the outside is just the beautiful gift-wrap; the actual prize is You.

Read a book, paint your toenails, listen to music or clean the house. Anything that calms you and takes your mind off the first date giddiness

If you were a man this might include having a few beers with the ‘bro-skis’ or an easing of the mind with Mary Jane. (Just kidding, But no, REALLY, I found out further into our relationship that one boyfriend came on our first date high because he was so phreaking nervous!)

3- Dolla, Dolla Bills Y’All

(Sorry, I’m not trying to call you a stripper)

Bring Money!! While I would like to assume that any man worth dating would cover the first date, be prepared. Anticipate where you might be going and plan accordingly. Spring for coffee. Girls who offer to pay for little treats here and there show themselves to be generous, as well as thankful for the time they are spending with this new beau.

4- He’s Kinda Hot When He Strikes Out

Plan an after-date activity, preferably something that works off a gluttonous dinner. In Philly?? Try games at Dave and Busters, Lucky Strike Lanes or North Bowl. Perhaps sip wine at Vintage or Tria. Pickup a dessert at Naked or Capogiro and then mosey on down to Washington Square for a walk and talk.

One of my most memorable first dates was when my friend Gene offered me four different choices of places to go after our dinner (color me shocked: this rarely happens with most other men!!): Movies, Vintage, Dave and Busters, or Tavern on Camac. As soon as he mentioned what a maven he is at air hockey, You knew it was ON. We each won one game and it was great to see each other’s competitive streaks. (Unfortunately somewhere in our time at D&B’s he lost his wallet and I was happy to pay for the cab… once again, Bring Cash!!)

5-Or Doesn’t…Use Your Love Tonight

(When a 1^st Date turns into a 1 Night Stand)

Yes, I’ve been eluding to this the whole article. Whether you think I’m calling you a slut or you just get that it’s the 21^st century– it is what it is. Everyone is hoping for a great connection on the first date, but let’s not pretend you weren’t hoping his penis would connect with your cervix too. (Too far, huh?) I’ll let Chelsea Handler take the reigns and regale you with proper One Night Stand Etiquette. It’s only polite people.

“We should do this again, the sex part that is.”

skip to 2:12, best parts!

Head, Roll, Door. I’m Out

Gotta leave you wanting more baby.

Phreaked

Philly in Review: Warsaw Cafe

Away from the loud engines of cars whizzing along Spruce Street towards the pricy offerings of nearby Rittenhouse Square lies the Warsaw Café. Tranquilly tucked between the residences of 16th Street its charm strikes oh so delicately in the face of the pretentious Center City West ‘scene’. I’m not here to talk about your Christian Louboutin sandals, I want to eat.

This Polish Café salutes everything European- comforting in a place where we take our out-of-town friends to a grease pit on 7th and Passyunk as our city’s gastronomic goodie.

No florescent lights here.

Warsaw’s store front is completely comprised of windows overlooking a quiet street. Burgundy and cream walls adorned with European Art Noveau advertisements and nature scenes create a pleasantly pedestrian feel. Red table tops adorned with small shaded lamps and red carnations in glass vases are set off against royal purple napkins, which feature traditional place settings. Two Forks? Do guests get to take one home?!?

Warsaw’s small details create real atmosphere. The ostentatious shock value which seems to run rampant in Center City is no where to be found.

An extensive beer list is on hand, consisting of many Belgians yet, surprisingly only one Polish beer. A FranzisKaner Hefe-weissbier at 17 ounces, however, is enough to last you from appetizer to dessert. We start with the sausage and kraut (cabbage) perogies. The thick flaky dough overpowers the internal taste of the Polish meat pocket in some instances but is brought back to life with the addition of sour cream and scallions.

Entrees come after a reasonable time. The stuffed cabbage leaves are encouraged with veal, sausage, onion, rice, mushrooms and herbs. All this is topped with a perfectly light tomato sauce. Rough-cut steamed tomato and zucchini as well as roasted potato are perfectly paired with this rustic dish. Absolutely savory and satisfying. The cabbage skin of this dish simply falls apart with the light touch of a fork; spilling out perfectly seasoned rice and sausage. Another entrée, the Swiss Chicken, is on special tonight. Lightly battered in dough containing paprika and brown sugar, it was piled high on a bed of rice and topped with a plum sauce. A filling meal but slightly bland. More plum sauce please!

Moving to a sweeter spot, Warsaw meets overwhelming success. The Linzer Tort stikes at the heart of a raspberry enthusiast. Furthermore, the tort’s butter almond crust creates the same melt-in-your-mouth sensation you would expect from a cheesecake. A baker’s dream!!

This dough, so soft and smooth in texture, is the perfect contrast to the sweet but slightly bitter and grainy impression of the preserves. What remains: an engaging berry and nut sensation mingling on the lips.

The Warsaw Café is one of only three Polish eateries in Philadelphia; the others being scattered in Manyunk and Fishtown. The Polish were one of the first large settlements of immigrants to Philadelphia in the late 1800’s and early 1900’s, yet it seems Philadelphia’s Polish ancestry has taken off to the burbs, making way for the fusion/continental samplings of those immigrants still currently in the city, particularly those of Latin or Asian descent. Regardless, when you’re searching for comfort food remember the simplicity of a Warsaw meal; hot, well-rounded and served with true ambience at no extra cost.

Warsaw Café
305 S. 16^th Street
(between Pine and Spruce)
Philadelphia, PA 19103
215.546.0204

Date or Group?? Both!
Good Service?? Terrific, friendly and knowledgably staff
Alcohol Situation?? Extensive beer and wine list. Yay!
Payment? Credit Cards and cash are both accepted

So Go Already!!!

Robyn: robbin’ my heart, wit dem cute melodies gurrrl

This Wednesday has me reflecting on the absolutely amazing concert I saw at the TLA last week. Robyn of Sweden, of the 10-year-old-hit-”Show Me Love”-fame, phucking rocked the house with some brand new r&b/pop/funk amazingness.

How did I get reintroduced to her? With “BE MINE”. So catchy!

At one point she was so surprised by Philly’s enthusiasm she said: “Wow, I never even knew you guys existed.” I think she was touched. Apparently she has a growing fan base in that scary state of Texas too.

A special thanks to Fabulous Times Master Extraordinaire; Joe Harris Not only for inviting me along but reintroducing me to this EuroPop-Fantastic-Ness.

To be corny, we could say he showed me love….

Enjoy!

The Best of Philly Service: Snarky Bitches

I GUESS THAT INCLUDES ME TOO

Here is a recap my Sunday wanderings of 4-27-08

LOIE: “Excuse me, you’re breathing my air.”

Loie has a $25 fix price brunch menu I have just been dying to take advantage of. It includes unlimited mimosas, bloody marys or a bottle of champagne… which is not nearly enough for a guzzling fun group like mine.

Our reservation for 4 at 12:30 hits a snag. We have an addition. When I call Loie the hostess explains they only have 4 outside tables and she just couldn’t allow my group to take 3 of those. Which didn’t exactly answer my question about adding a chair to the end of the existing reserved table, but uh, yeah sure. How very democratic of you darling.

I tell Colin to ditch his boyfriend. He suggests Valanni instead.

VALANNI: A Most-Exellent Journey

Our very glass eyed blonde-Keanu of a waiter (‘Bogus Dudes!’) comes over to describe one of the specials as a biscuit-sort-of-thing which we later interject must be called a benedict. “Uh yeah that’s it! Uh, sorry guys I am soooo huuung over.”

Honesty. Refreshing.

I order the special omelet which contained ham, spinach and fontina cheese. My boyfriend? The Monte Cristo. (ham, turkey and swiss between two pieces of French toast). Simply put, I make him order all the fattening things I would be too ashamed to get!

Time passes, we tell stories with all the panache of Gayborhood fruits about all the Gayborhood staples. Yet, as the cold starts to set into our bones, we realize we’ve been waiting an hour since we ordered our food. Lovely, perfect boyfriend goes inside to talk to the manager who assures him our food will be out in 5 minutes. She comes to the table and explains our check being lost due to a morning power outage and renovations.

Never accept technical difficulties for your food having taken longer than necessary.

EVEN if this were true, after about a half an hour any observant server should have thought to check with the kitchen about our order. It still comes down on shitty service. I call her bluff. I ask, wasn’t the restaurant open for nearly 2 hours before we even sat down? So has this been happening all day, checks being lost? Shouldn’t our waiter be aware? Or did this just happen to us? By the uncomfortable look on her face I judge she’s realized I am not a typical patron.

I am a waitress, hear me roar.

She offers to buy us another round of drinks and we ask for more coffee as well. After 10 more minutes, however, we call her to the table again. The food has not come. We had to ask the server once again for the coffee we requested from her. (Ideally a more appeasing manager would have brought the coffee herself with another round of mea culpas).

Where is the rest of the food? As someone who works every Sunday I was looking forward to a nice day out but that has obviously not happened. Only half the plates are out and while the kitchen has done a fine job, I feel like our waiter has been avoiding us since this whole thing went down. Why should I pay for this prison treatment?

But even I don’t have the audacity to ask for a free meal. Instead I firmly state I want the check to reflect this atrocity.

When our check is brought it is roughly $100 after $85 was taken off. Not even 50%. Once more, the free round she promised us? Well, that comprises $50 of the comp. Truly generous, discounting a round we didn’t even really want. That doesn’t make it genuinely free, sneaky bitch. Oh, and the Monte Cristos were absolutely soggy…

She finally lowers it to $57. Sadly, I work right around the corner from here and I will NEVER recommend it to anyone again.

EL VEZ: Como Estas, Bitch?

So while Valanni was obviously so. much. fun, We decided to make our way to the El Vez bar. The boys ordered a pitcher of the Sangria. When I tried to order a pitcher of the Tequila Tea (same price individually as the sangria) I was told that it would ruin the quality of the drink… and not so much in a polite way.

“Well, the tequila tea is topped with lemonade and to do that in a pitcher would ruin the quality.” Stupid bitch-face tries to peer over her tits to give me her best fake smile.

Isn’t a pitcher like a really huge glass?? Anyways, I yield. I seem to be doing a lot of that today. I order one tequila tea (which was admittedly delicious) and my boytoy orders a coconut flavored coochi coochi. He really loves any allusions to vag.

Finishing our round, Ian comes up with the inspired idea of heading to the Franklin Institute for an IMAX movie. We can even stop in at the Mutter Museum he muses. I’ve never seen the museum of medical oddities and am a bit excited.

MUTTER?: No, Grunt and Die!

Upon reaching the Mutter Museum we realize we only have about 45 minutes to tour around. Admission is $12. Assessing if it is really worth it considering the time crunch; my boyfriend asks a very smart question: “Exactly how many items do you have on display?” This is a statistical question, and yet, the desk attendant’s answer?:

“Uh, we have A LOT of items on display,” she dribbles while nodding her blonde teased Mom-hair. A lot? Oh really, so like 60 or 300?

She tells us more arbitrary piddle about how some people could breeze through the “cramped room” in 45 minutes, while others could spend 3 hours. Hmmm, well I don’t think I’ll waste another minute here.

For the record, the Mutter Museum website claims to have 20,000 items in it’s collection. Wow. That is “a lot”.

Join the carnival midway LADY!! You are certainly good at being annoying vague in an attempt to sell freaks. Steeeeeeeeep Rigggght Up!!!!!

IMAX @ FRANKLIN: Nasty Dinosaurs, a lot kinder than humans.

The IMAX is the only place where things today seem to go according to plan. Or at least a good business model.

We had our hearts set on seeing Leia’s cinnabon hair enveloping Carrie Fisher’s frosting-white pasty face, but the Star Wars show doesn’t start until 7.

Dinosaurs it is, which doesn’t really tell me anything I didn’t know from paying attention to the million trips we took to various museums of natural history in my childhood.

Admittedly these scientists say there is no way to know for sure what sounds these animals made. With their relation to birds, however, I am forced to ask why Jurassic Park didn’t have them sing tweet-tweet before they sunk their massive teeth into a cow. Now that would be truly Phreaked up.

We were entertained!

MEXICAN POST: Montezuma’s Revenge?

Leaving the boys, my man and I decide to head to the Mexican Post at LOVE park for something spicy. Construction in front of the restaurant seems to be limiting foot traffic because we thought the restaurant was closed when we approached it. Dark and without any customers visible. Ugh to the whole experience. My chicken avocado salad sounded delish but when the plate arrived left little to be desired.

I expected grilled chicken but instead got the shredded innards from some chicken taco instead.

Dry and Bland.

Dressings left little to be desired: ranch, chipotle ranch, bleu cheese, and finally oil and vinegar. Which I didn’t think exactly complemented my meal but I decided to mix it with some salsa and see if I could create something decent out of it.

It looked A LOT like this when we were there. Now I know why.

I forgot Sunday is typically the grunt shift which must explain why this day just reeked of bad service.

Where We Went

Valanni:13^th & Spruce

El Vez: 13^th and Sansom

Mutter Museum: 22^nd btwn Chestnut and Market

Franklin Museum: 20^th and Ben Franklin Parkway

Mexican Post: At Love Park on 16th.

Where You Should Go Instead

Caribou Café: 12^th and Walnut

Raw (for Fruit Infused Sake): 13^th and Sansom

Rodin Musuem: 22^nd and Ben Franklin Parkway

Franklin Museum: Don’t Forget the Giftshop!!

Love Park (bring your own picnic dinner): Hell, even WAWA hoagies would be better

Summer Loooove

Gladiators. The shoe of course, although if you can find a sexy bronzed Spartan to escort you about Walnut Street as you wear these, please do.

A favorite fashion warrior look? The knee high gladiator of course. The style graced the worst dressed pages in 2007 on the likes of Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, but 2008 will prove to be the year of the Gladiator!!

Furthermore, NEVER doubt the Olsens. MK single-handedly brought back cowboy boots, tights (abet, ripped) AND oversized dresses YEARS before so-called fashion merchandisers saw the light. Ashley’s new line The Row is simply ingenious.

What to pair it with: This look is not for everyone. You must have the long slender legs to pull off short dresses (or short shorts) with flats. Remember not to go overboard with skin. If you are showing off your legs, keep the chest under wraps, also, do not over accessorize. Knee high gladiators are a statement all on their own. Throw on some sunglasses and stroll the shops diva!!

Other gladiator considerations:

If you are shorter and curvier consider a heel with a T-strap to balance you as well as keep you trendy!

These ‘halfies’ as I like to call them are perfect for longer outfits and just $20!! Phreaking unbelievable!

Phreaked for The Submarines, Phucked by Consumerism

Today I discovered The Submarines. In particular the songs “Brighter Discontent” and “You, Me & The Bourgeoisie.” The former, with lyrics like:

“Got a big black television set/Now I can watch just what I want/But I’m here staring up/At pictures on the wall….All these things should make me happy/Make me happy to be home again,”

reminds me of all the things we buy to fill our empty houses can’t fill the emptiness in our heats. I’ve shortened and reposted a previous post from my Myspace blog about how consumerism has replaced personal creativity. Enjoy!

Brighter Discontent- The Submarines

You, Me & The Bourgeoisie- The Submarines

Listen to The Submarines further here

Consumerism: Controlling All You Cunts

Invariably, when I think of the future I reason to myself, that as a writer, I will probably never make a lot of money. Then the notion sneaks into my brain; “Well, my husband will just have to have a good job.” And no, I don’t think that’s an un-feminist thought, quite the opposite… but a tad pathetic? Yes.

So where did this come from? Perhaps I am a tasteless mix of burning American greed, Korean financial values and let us not forget, Madonna’s Material Girl was released the same year I was born. Every conversation I have with Mom Mom involves a variation of: “Shannnnnnon, You keep your eyes open! You maarrrry richie guy some day!”

My friend Devin works 13 hour days at a mall as a detective for loss prevention; he has about one day off during which he runs errands, does laundry and pretends to have a semblance of a life that goes beyond new mothers stuffing clothes from Steve & Barry’s into their strollers. As he shows off his new couch and flat screen TV, I ponder when he has time to enjoy these things. He continues to tell me about his plans for living room surround sound. Goodness. Let us spend money on EXPERIENCES rather than THINGS.

I find it ironic Devin apprehends people not willing to pay for products they covet, while he suffers from the same intense desire to consume: as a measure of completing his life. Loss Prevention. We don’t want to lose items, but it’s okay if we lose our minds.

Objects are valued over Substance.

Has purchasing goods replaced creativity? Is buying (mass-produced, inauthentic goods) equal to the satisfaction of ‘creating’ without the act of mental stimulation and in some cases, problem solving?

That rush, the high, you get when you think you’ve found the perfect item; is THAT feeling of “completeness” the same feeling I get when I create a new recipe, craft or fashion? I’ve been subject to both, but I know there is no need to lecture you on the lasting effects of what is genuine.

By the way the Submarines will be at the North Star May 31st. You know Phreaked will be there.

That’s Not My Name

Start this lovely Tuesday with the high energy Ting Tings straight out of U.K. Mmmmm!!!

Don’t call me Jolisa. Phreaked, baby, Phreaked.